12,609. RUDIMENTS, pt. 982

RUDIMENTS, pt. 982

(is that the way this game is played?)

There could be crazy days, and

in those it seemed as if everyone

was angry. New Yorkers, to put

it politely, sure did seem to have

the market on anger and hostility

all sewed up. There was a certain

strain of them, males anyway, that

always jumped out at me, by their

characteristics; and they were most

usually the noisiest, orneriest and

pushy of the bunch. I'd guess it was

2nd or maybe early third, generation

people, arrivals into NY from that

mass of immigration that had hit

the city - the big masses, the ones

you always read about. Maybe

post Civil War, 1880's, Germans,

Poles, Italians, Slavs. all those

people. They always had very

pronounced facial features, dead

giveaways to origin. It was weird:

Always the Italian guys, they

bugged me the most. In fact, they

got pestilential in their annoyance.

I swear I'd never be like that; they

were way more severe versions of

my own father, by personality. And

maybe looks too, but not so much.

Roman noses, swarthy complexion

and sleek hair, but always trying

to make up for their American

ignorance by some older form of

bluster. Maybe that made sense in

Europe, I figured  -  all those Huns

and such, blazing across the northern

plains on their steeds and large,

swung, swords. Campfires and

peat bogs and river hovels. But

none of that worked here, the

American fabric was just  of a

different weave, but these guys

could never see it. Always snotty,

in your face about something, and

possessed of some form of natural

superiority, by culture, in their

heads. Like the German guys and

all their bizarre foods and brauts

and sausages; or those same big

nose Italians and all their pasta

braggadocio. I always figured, if

one had to be Italian that was a

great last name to have. Luigi and

Carmella Braggadocio, hogging

up their ritual BS Sunday meals.

Everything was near-ritual with

them; you step out, just a bit, from

the ordinary, and they'd get you

for sure. If they were Chinese,

they'd be Ming the Merciless.

-

I always felt pretty helpless in the

face of all that. First off, I myself have

one of those stupid face-betraying

noses; and I was in-flight already

from any of those tendencies I just

mentioned. So, my eye was biased,

and my opinions were jaundiced.

Jaundice? That was one of those

medical words I had no clue about

except, when at home, in any of those

endless medical situations of my

mother, she or someone in the

hospital circle, whatever, would be

said to be doing 'OK, except that

yellow jaundice has set in.' What the

hell that ever was, I never knew.

Yellow? And then the word, 'jaundiced,'

I found later, was used as a negative

quality. Too deep for me to fathom.

'Full fathom five thy father lies : of

his bones are coral made. Those are

pearls that were his eyes.'

-

That's from  The Tempest, by Shakespeare.

I always liked that a lot; it was stirring

just to say those few words. The

whole of The Tempest was fine too,

yet just those few words, by themselves,

said so much to me about releasing

one's self from one's father. It was a

constant internal battle, and those words

so powerfully summed up all that had

to be cast off, scuttled, thrown over.

In later days, after I too had become

a father, I knew inherently that it had

been an error. I was not cut out for

Fatherhood. It had no part of me.

There were things about it all that I

neither understood, nor wanted to.

Fortunately, for all concerned, it

worked out, and as the years went

by all things fell into place. Yet,

to this day, those attachments and

the sentimentalities that go with it,

are not present. A lot of these older

guys I was with here, they all seemed

like cast-offs from that same world;

without connections, adrift, maybe

even lost. But what was lacking was

the need or the attraction for and of

others. Problem was, all of Society

had been foolishly structured around

the ideas of group, and solidarity

with others : family, kinships and

all that. A loner was stuck. As was

I, and these other guys too. That

never goes away, it's an inherent

characteristic of the personal fabric

of one's existence. I had more of a

connection, and got more pleasure

from, watching the Wintry nostrils

of those horses pushing out their

puffs of horse-breath. I loved to

watch the white smoke emitted.

-

So, a person slowly learns; place,

and definitions; the long line of

protocol that controls everything

that people do. I did it with Art

and with horses. People say

'Policemen are your friends.'

You hear that all along the way,

as a kid; and then you simply grow

up into the realization that that's the

sort of thing which is said to kids.

For no reason, and with no truth.

Just to keep them in place and show

them they're powerless. The cops

I saw were as slimy and could be

as crooked as any of the stuff

going on around. Like for a

politician, so the Law : the invisible

lubricant is 'palm oil.' From what

I saw, everyone could get away

with everything, if they oiled

up right. And that's just one little

aspect. As a Father, then, if you

know all this, what are you supposed

to do? Raise your kid as a criminal,

just to be truthful? Or go along

with the stupid falsity (falsities)

of school and home life, just to keep

the embittered social fabric going?

Holidays? Jubilees? Flag-waving

and salutes  -  it's all the same crap.

-

No one gets awarded for truth-telling.

The people honored and given the

accolades are the clowns and the

buffoons who can most successfully

play the sucker and lead others astray.

That's what Society wants and needs.

None of that behavior ever goes on

an upward trajectory; there's no new

'enlightenment' there; instead it makes

fools and peons out of others, while

proclaiming a bogus respect. The

only thing that aims high is Truth.

As painful as it ever may be.

-

If you have children, or, as I did,

a son, are you supposed to not let on

about how wicked, cruel, and false

everything is? That's a lethal game

of Society. In the Congress, they tell

to newly-elected legislators, 'To get

along, go along.' That's their actual

motto  --  meaning don't rock the

boat, go with the flow, keep your head

down, and let others lead; just follow.

It's the same with stupid Society.

You're supposed to lead an offspring

into something like that? I look around

me here, Woodbridge - there's another

cheap cop at every corner and intersection,

just sitting around, intent on nothing

but keep people in place; enforcing

bogus and bullshit laws, and protecting

'the lawmakers' above them in all those

little offices they represent. (And those

lawmakers are probably even cheesier

than are the slummy cops who cover

for them); Bloated and useless layers

and tiers of municipal personnel;

dollars fat-wasted at every turn. My

horse days, and the guys I was with,

compared to this, were lethal cons way

onto the game. They knew where the

horse-shit was; one way to put it. A

man's not supposed to own up to his

own kid about how shitty things are?
Is that the way this game is played?