RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,305
(emperor of nothing, pt. SEVEN)
In all of my life I'd always felt
that I'd lost too many things -
ranging from keys to opportunities
to chances never taken and hunches
not followed. Apparently I'd stalled
myself in midstream - a muddy
and coarsely convoluted stream,
but, a stream in any case. I was
pretty certain I wasn't going to
miss this one. In 1967, I was a
novice, a new kid, hanging out
in jazz lofts, art schools and
you name it where else. I'd
seen fire and I'd seen brimstone
too. Now, some years later and a
much better-refined and polished
individual, I was certain to be in
control and maintain myself -
even in front, here, of a character
like the guy I'd already name Jack
Stove. I figured I could hold my
own, whatever he threw.
-
He settled in, leaning back. The
hand he held had gone from beer
now, I noticed, to a bourbon. Buffalo
Trace, to be exact, which I already
knew as a not-common bourbon
at all, expensive and not often
available. Leastways out here
in any Pennsylvania State
Liquor Store. (In PA, the hard
booze is controlled by the state,
and can only be purchased at
State Stores. The state keeps its
hand in the booze business, and
controls, as well, pricing and
availability. When Buffalo Trace
comes in, it's usually featured and
proudly displayed, with some sort
of 'special' and limited availability
and pricing. Probably all bullshit,
but done so nonetheless). For him
to have a hand around Buffalo Trace,
that meant something special, and
of course added to the 'mystery'
of all I'd been seeing He said,
'Wanna?' And I said, 'Yeah.' Like
it was the smoothest and most
natural thing for me. I felt like
we were somehow entering a
Level 2 comradeship.
-
Not necessarily a good thing, granted;
too much of the unknown. But I'd be
ready. At the same time I sort of felt
things slipping away too (thanks,
Buffalo Trace), so I backed off a bit
on that. He leaned in and said, 'Ever
see anything die?' I said, 'What?'
Again he said, simply, 'You know,
die?' Stupidly maybe with a trace
of too-much pride, I said, 'Well, I
always figured 'things' don't die.
People die, and no, I never have
seen that.' I was stumped, yes, for
sure. He said, 'I once watched animals
die, in a barn fire. It was horrid. The
barn floor was down, into the ground,
built 6 or 8 feet down, on the one
side, where the hill sloped. The other
side was higher, for wagon and cart
and tractor entry. The animals were
all kept below, and when that fire
came they couldn't make that jump
up to get out of the flames or jump
the wall. I cried for days after that,
just sat here cringing. That was out
by Slish Road, somewhere out along
there. Worse thing I ever saw - those
terrified animals' heads, all yelling
and roaring, roped in too and then
trying to peek out over the flaming
walls. Indescribable. God damn if I
could have saved just one, I'd maybe
have been at least feeling a little better.
As it was, an early morning flamer
like that, not too many people around
and about, and me just being passing
there by chance, almost accidently,
it changed my life again. After that,
I realized a peace, an almost religious
peace. I came up with the personal
concept of what I call 'One Mind.'
-
I figured I was in for it now and he
was going to expound, and I was
correct. 'Now, Science won't never
tell you this, but all we are is one
mind. One. Science and all them
specialists and such, they only can
tell you back what it is they'd already
learned, like thought-minds that was
already controlled or brainwashed.
Shit, half the stuff you're told ain't
true, and these jerks they just all
want to build on it, with their ideas
and theories and papers. How many
times do people have to be told the
same dead crap. Those animals I
saw. I felt them, inside me. Their
reactions to the horror were the
same as any human's would be.
We all share in One Mind, and
that's all there is. Right then,
working through One Mind, I
shared fate with all those animals
and all the madly-running firemen
who were arriving from every
direction - a dirt road filled with
pickup trucks and, finally, two
fire engines. Everything there, the
flames, the animals, the arriving
firemen, the people all scurrying
every which-way, they all, in those
moments, had turned everything
over to One Mind. Yes, of course
it was all too late, everything was
gone, the flames and devoured a
world - saddest fucking thing
I ever saw. But at the same time
it was truly cosmic in the manner
that it drew all things together.
There are no differences between
anything - all consciousness is one.
That was my sad, very sad, lesson.'
-
It was all so amazing to me. I'd
seen, and talked, to people like this
before, mostly the old NY intellectual
crowd, which would often go on
in such a vein, about things. But not
exactly of THIS nature, and not with
the earnestness and hurt sincerity he
was putting forth. Not a bit of the usual
smug or superior attitudinizing. This
was real and humble too. I was shaken,
for a moment, by what I witness. Was
it just a strange weakness of a man
in his cups?
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