12,811. RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,054

RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,054

(every day's a piece of writing)

One thing I no longer do,

that I did in other years, is

take long walks at night. I

guess I'm more settled now,

and, obviously, with lots more

things to do. But the times

when I do get outside to view

the night I remember so well

what used to be. I had a map,

by memory, of only dark

landmarks. It's a different feel

after dark. Not much of the

circumscribed world of 'day'

was left, in those past time

of walking after dark. It's

fair to say there's nothing then

to stop a figment or a dream.

I used to think it was Freedom.

That the only reason Government

was in place was to protect its

citizens lives, liberty, and

property. Past that point, (that

point being night) anything further

was diminishing Freedom and

hampering Liberty. I don't know

if that ever made sense, but out

along the darkened docks, and

the areas where few walked,

it certainly seemed that way.

-

I never even got a pat-down, nor

any real arrest; though one time

Mabel Johns got taken in, from

right nearby to me. Mabel was

a guy, actually, but that was the

name she gave, and she was

dressed that way anyhow, so

I guess at some point someone

got surprised, but she was out

again the next day. I never asked,

but I guess nothing much ever

came of that. I'd hate to be a

vice cop or whatever gets those

cases, just because of things like

that. For myself, at that time

period, even though it was all

going around  -  that impersonating

and cross-dressing  -  I never got

fooled. It was always obvious to

me. The chin was always wrong.

Girls have a different chin entirely.

And of course there's always the

neck and the 'Adam's Apple.'

(Weird name for that, and probably

once meant to be signifying so

much, though I never got it. What

was meant? The apple never went

fully down? And if it was a bite,

then it wasn't an apple?)...and of

course you've got the musculature,

which is all different, the calves

and shoulders, the upper arms.

Why did those guys even bother,

I used to wonder, and if you can't

'fix up' that magic spot, who cares

anyway and what's the use. Guys

about that stuff were so weird.

-

The last thing a Government or an

Authority ought to be concerned

about anyway is what you're calling

yourself. But they always seemed

to be right there, bashing heads or

rounding people up for what they

were pretending to be. I could have

gotten all involved in that crap too,

but I couldn't be bothered and

Stonewall was a bore. One time,

and this is much later, there's a

coffee shop right at the corner by

Stonewall. I ended up there once

with some lady who, during the

Zuccoti Park, Occupy Wall Street

crap, started yelling out my name.

I was confused as all get-out and

unaware of what was going on, but

damn if she said she'd recognized

me from, of all things, my posted

facebook profile photos. So, we

ended up there just to talk a little

and it turned out she was there,

that day, and in all her involvement

with Occupy WS, under a fake

name, no one really knew her but

she returned weekend after weekend

to the protest. She lived in Westfield

and was a school teacher in Rahway.

She made me swear to secrecy, even

though I didn't even know her real

name (she eventually told me but

I've since forgotten it) because she

said if she was found out she'd be

fired from her middle school teaching

position. Being over there with her

at Stonewall and Sheridan Square,

it passed my mind that maybe she

was also lesbian, but I never found

that out though it again made me

wonder about surveillance at things

like that, the protests and all, and

what possible role a Government

would have. There were cops

and detectives and probably

undercovers too, from there all

the way down to Zuccoti Park.

We eventually parted, and went

separate ways, but my being picked

out like that was scary, in its way.

-

I guess Americans never learned to

be worrying about things like that,

but I've always been suspicious, and

usually it's only years later that you're

told, or you learn, what was really

going on. Like back in the 1950's

when all those people were

unwittingly given LSD, so that

Gov't. researchers could observe

the results. No one ever said a word

about it, or any other CIA stuff from

back then  -  even the alien landings

and all that stuff  -  until much later.

It was like pulling teeth and then

into almost had to be beaten

out of them. Nixon and the rest

of those cats were all such jerks,

and before and ever after too.

-

Anyway, walking at night was a

real privilege. Even around here

now, the dark walk can bring

surprises, but nothing like back

then. Around suburban environs

it's all lights and roads, stupid

kids with their silly cars, noisy

and obnoxious and going nowhere.

Food, fat privilege, and a pervasive

sense of nothingness mostly all

account for 'Life' around there

parts. Like BB King had it,

'The Thrill is Gone.'

-

I still remain of the opinion that

forces other than the normal are

controlling people. Not me, mind 

you, but very many of the idiots

you see. It's simple enough once

you realize how 'mass-man' acts

and by what 'authority' Authority

has it to put into peoples' heads

whatever they decide should be

there. From the minute we're born

they're after that empty slate. Before

you even get to put your first mark

upon it they want you programmed

and controlled to see and act in

the manners they proscribe. Roles.

Manners. That's what the internalized

life is about, and why it's yet so

important  -  cram that slate and

hold it dear. Those are YOUR 

markings. You may let them 

THINK they've gotten to it first.

but there are ways enough that any

individual can wise-up themselves

and stay sacred, and fool authority

into thinking you're beneath the

thumb. Then one day we can

maybe all waked up and smite

them, dead. Just like their systems 

and desires already are. I think
we should all wise up, and just
tell them to fuck-off. Real names
given, only upon real request.