13,018. RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,031

RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,031

(a choice of two evils?)

In looking back over my life,

from any of ten varied

vantage points, I'd have

to agree to the assumption

that it's been a failure  -  in

any material, professional,

reputational, sense. I can

accept that, and, at this late

stage, no matter anyway.

Achievements being nil,

at least I can still talk about

some of the attempts and the

witnessings. For one thing,

I think I spent an inordinate

amount of time making

distinctions between what

things 'were,' against what

they  'did.' It's a bit of the

same dualism, or break-up

between form and function.

I didn't realize that regular

people didn't make those

distinctions, and that the 

workings of things were

meant to just roll along and

NOT be so much examined.

Apparently people today are

mostly concerned with the

function, and the form can

be damned. Just look at the

ugliness of the 'new' all

around us. It gives even

trench-mouth a good name:

Endless rows of flat-faced

compartments, partially glassed

and partially fronted too with

'doors' that go nowhere, and

which, instead, open out to

false balconies or 'porches'

that would fit, perhaps, a

tortoise and a hare and not

much else. The pathos has

gotten so bad that, for instance,

here, nearby to me, at Station

Village (a travesty if ever)

someone in the end-corner

street compartment has

suspended a huge, tan,

over-sized, baseball mitt.

I suppose to welcome in the

new, truncated, disease-addled

half-season of raw nothingness.

It little matters to voided brains.

-

But, such distortions 'work' -

which becomes the only thing

that counts. No further values

are needed, or balanced. Utility

rules : a place to stay, sleep, toilet,

showers, and a central-enough

entertainment-sequenced room

for all the piddling overthoughts

given to things like baseball,

illogical talking heads, and

'political' lies and malapropisms,

enough to baffle the Gods. And,

oh, speaking of which, there are

always, in these sorts of projects,

a close enough proximity to some

form of public worship center(s),

be they churches of edifice, or the

usual transformed and repurposed 
storefronts and painted holes of

ghetto churches for things like the

Church of the Divine Light and

Sword. Small doses, big heaves.

-

It's come down to the factors of

falsity, everywhere. Nothing is

'real' anymore. Ice cream is waxy,

to extend the melt-period and be

neater for at-home use; chemical

additives give the flavor sought;

Bread is plastic-wrapped atrocious,

etc. It's as if the 'utility' watchword

now is 'No bread, just the idea of

bread,' or 'No ice cream, just the

idea of ice cream.' And people tell

me I'm nuts when I say we make

the world up? I never cared for

the utility aspect of things. If

something worked, fine, all well 

good, but I was always getting

lost instead, in form and shape

design; a sort of 'romantic' view

of a world far behind, from where

these things may have come.

A character like that has all the

earmarks of going nowhere, and

by my concern for the certainly

non-productive aspects of a still

and meditative life I was never

much of a bet for anyone else 

concerned with the future, and 

lucre, and Moloch. See where my

was headed? Few takers.

-

That was one of the things I

always liked about the middle

ages, or the way-old, or whatever

you'd like to call it. Back then,

utility be damned, some King

or royal personage could have 

taken me up; been my patron,

supported me, given me a niche,

a place in the castle to stay

and work. Some crazy, and

hard-wired artist nut-case

kept on the premises. That used

to prove things to Kings and

all, back then. It was considered

high style, and real goodness,

to have someone like that on

your premises and within your

close realm. And every so often

producing something to prove

it. That's how the modern word

has ruined everything : utility,

profit, loss, balance, forecasts,

shareholders, and all the rest.

OK, sure, it is said we no

longer have people hungry 

(wrong), dying in the streets,

(wrong), sick and maimed

(wrong), indigent (wrong) -

how do you disprove a notion

like that? On the other hand, 

we get wasteful and devious 

corporations, making 40 kinds 

of toilet tissue, 3o different 

kinds of redundant butter 

and spreads, 100 plus kinds

of cereals, cookies, and kiddie-

torques of breakfast foods and

other slop, vitamin-enriched

death and stupidity, and everyone

is happy, right? Yeah, but look

out the window in most any

urban area, and see what's 

happening, and even the

suburbs are sinking. So I

was always stuck, and right

between things too. My friends

at the Village Diner, they seldom

understood what I meant in trying

to get across to them how I actually

enjoyed their torments  -  they'd

have hoodlums come in for

payoffs and stuff, and a scene

would ensue, the place would get

pushed around. No one really

blinked or even ever really got

hurt  -  it was all more sort of the

typical New York City ballet that

everyone went through. I'd say

that, and they'd laugh, thinking

as if to say back, why should you

care? Fact is, though I never

admitted it, I bled for everyone,

for way too long. That too was

unproductive, but I'm still a

sap when I see a bad situation.

And I still never know if that's

how things are, or how they work.