RUDIMENTS, pt. 896
(a diffident solicitude)
In Saul Bellow's first novel,
'Dangling Man, the hero,
Joseph, says, "Do you have
emotions? Strangle them."
For the remainder of the
book, he is pretty much
the only character who
doesn't strangle his emotions,
"To a degree everyone obeys
this code. To Hell with that,
I intend to talk about mine,"
is how he actually says it.
It's kind of funny, that one
gimmick lasts the whole book;
sort of like a ten-pin spotter
resetting the lanes for everyone
else NOT to knock over, while
he himself bowls everything
over, continually hitting with
strikes and clearing the lane.
He (Bellow) came through
NYC, it must have been maybe
January, 1968 - he was to be
receiving some French Legion
award or such, at the French
Consulate, over in the e60's,
big bash, dinner, speeches, etc.
Somehow I got wind of it and,
just for fun, made my way over
there, and I actually did get
to see him outside, as he was
entering. Just a moment of
luck; he was in a small clutch
of people, entering. But I always
had liked his looks - a bit strange,
even exotic - and was able to
pick him out, simple and easy,
as adverbs, on the streets of NY.
There's a Hebrew word, Mishkenot,
and there's a place named that too.
It's a residence-place, a sort of
social center, in the middle of
Jerusalem. That's where I felt
as if I was, right then - just
a quirky thing to note. I looked
later too, and the word itself,
Mishkenot, comes out of one
of those prophets, Isaiah, I
think, and means : 'peaceful
habitation,' - as in 'My people
shall dwell in a peaceful
habitation, and in sure dwellings,
and quiet resting places.' Quite
the contrast, I'd say.
-
I never got too far with any of
that Bible stuff, but I used to -
for a while at least, and then
I changed my opinion of that -
be real impressed by those
Bible-spouters who could
cough up a quote and a
citation for every little thing.
You got a cold? Ezekial 200:3-6
says, 'The intimidation of my
people by colds and chills
shall not last, Kingdoms then
will be foiled before the
coming of the Kleenex.' All
that stuff used to amaze me.
I have, in fact, two cousins
somewhere in my line who
still do this stuff. From two
different-angled sides of the
family too. They can Bible
you to death if you get stuck
with them somewhere at a
table together. As I said, there
was a time when all that
impressed me, and yet, let
me admit here, one night
I had a vivid dream. I'd have
to say it was about 1976,
maybe. In it, voices were
talking to me and a special
voices, like of Jesus or of
someone way up there, spoke
up in reference to something
I'd said. (This is real, I'm not
fabricating this) referring to
the Bible, and He stopped me,
nodding, and said (in that fashion
of dreams, without maybe actually
'speaking,' you know, you get
the dream sensation that something
has transpired, but it bends and
drips like it's made of glazed
water and why would this Jesus
character be speaking to me,
within the dream context that
never really exists anyway) -
He nods gently and speaks that,
yes, that's correct, the bible
but the Bible, on earth, is
only there to help people,
'those who are still in the
hole,' - that was the exact
quote. It's never left me, and
I've probably re-said that to
myself a thousand times.
-
That was pretty off-putting.
Another time, I was on top,
in a dream here, again, of
one of the Twin Towers, with
a friend of mine, named Jack.
We were looking down, open
air, just bending over the edge,
and, on this dream, I just
decided to jump. And I did.
I've heard tell how, in a dream,
if you jump like that you never
land, because, if you do land,
in the dream, it means you're
dead. I have no idea how anyone
would put such a preposterous
idea together, but a long time
ago my girlfriend then told me
that. I always remembered.
Anyway, in this dream, my
act of jumping was not negative
at all - which was weird -
because I never went 'down.'
No part of the sequence that
followed had me 'falling.'
In the dream all that happened
was expanding space - ever
outward, and I just kept floating
into these expanding spaces,
like rooms that kept opening
for me, wider, wall-less and
always expanding. That one
I did awake from, never a
bottom to splat on. But it to
was a killer, and one I never
forgot.
-
So, you say, what's all that and
big deal. You're probably right,
and there's nothing worse than
dream re-telling. Except maybe
for Martin Luther King, who got
a long run out of his. Like him,
I may not get there with you,
because I'm flying outward,
while you're apparently
falling flat. For the rest of
it, I can't figure much. Back
in, maybe 4th and 5th grade,
on the subject of dreams, I
had this recurring dream, for
a year or two, every so often.
It was pretty precise, because it
recurred within its own framework
and scenery that never much
changed. Kind of like my life!
It was always the same off
field, the same metal fence poles
all around it, me sitting atop a
metal rail, the sky, alien landings,
and then me dissolving, to wake
up, still within the dream, onside
a very large, hollowed-out, oak
tree that was more some weird
King's palace office or something
in a deep woods. I'd be spoken
to, and sent away. And then I'd
wake up.
-
That dream sequence seemed
to always coincide with old
School #4, where I attended
advanced misery courses,
(in real life). There were
two smallish, concrete
play-rooms, for indoor
stuff and recesses on the
crummy days. The entire
room were concrete, painted
with a glossy gray paint. A
bench seat, molded of that
concrete, ran around the
entire room. Kids were
everywhere. The room
was the site of two completely
miserable recurrent events for
me, that whole elementary
school time : wicked, nasty
dodgeball games - I mean
vicious and rough - with the
usual maniacs creaming people
with the fake leather-look
reddish ball. It was brutal.
And then, maybe worse than
that even, was the square-dance
sessions we had to undergo.
Whoever thought that up, for
elementary school gymn sessions,
needed their head examined. I
always got to 'dance' with some
guy named Jack McGyver, I
think it was, due to a paucity
of girls. Man, I hated that.
-
The only good thing, really good,
to salvage from that - and it's
something sorely missing now -
was the experience of the old
school itself, the building and
corridors and ceilings and stairs.
They don't make spaces like
that now, and people should
really - especially the young -
get to experience that. But,
instead, they modernize or
tear down anything old and
that entire experience of another
era, when things had different
auras and emanations, is lost.
Everybody blabs about how
their 'New' is better. Yeah,
right, and I bet. Surely, if you
emotions, strangle them.
Peaceful habitation
to you too.
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