Sunday, January 31, 2021

13,390. CEUSCA'S DINER, SCRANTON, PA

CEUSCA'S DINER, SCRANTON, PA
'Too many tiny tantrums, yes, but
at least the guy doesn't hold it in.
He'll probably live to be a hundred.'
The baker walked by with his bread.
In the back room, two crazy chefs
were throwing knives while the
assistant loaded kindling into the
wood-fire oven. Some not-famous
gypsy folk songs were playing.
-
At least that's what I thought. The
wall map showed Romania, but 
called it something else. I sat and
wondered if this was Ceausescu
stuff, left over. Nicolae? Did his
friends dare call him Nick? He
and his wife were executed.
I remember that.
-
Table-top edgings of red. Two
sweet girls waiting tables. A
gruff old man, in a funny top hat,
waiting for food. And what am
I doing here?




13,389. WHEN SOMEONE

WHEN SOMEONE
As soon as the words start flowing,
the overflow hits the ceiling: When
someone starts saying something 
about nothing, another begins to
say nothing about something. It's
all enough to drive me mad!
-
So I step back a few and reply;
muttering entry-level words so
the dogs and cats, at least, can
understand me.
-
Morning skies sometimes seem
like an oasis of promise, and then 
three hours later they too have
turned to muck and....mired in
that premise I remain. (I see
someone has nailed an old
deer-skull to the top of the
rambling-line-fence).

Saturday, January 30, 2021

13,388. MAYBE LIKE SHOULD WE LEAVE?

MAYBE LIKE SHOULD 
WE JUST LEAVE?
Sometimes I just don't know; maybe 
it's merely the illogic of living that kills
in the end. It's one thing to invent a gun,
but another to invent a firing system.

13,387. RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,135

RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,135
(around the big bend again)
Every so often it's been my
wont to go around the big 
bend on something, some 
subject : Riding the leading 
crest of an idea that only
peripherally may touch on
others since it's otherwise
personal and quirky. It's
the type of dealing that
makes one solitary and 
singular. It's another one
of those subjects that I'll
be touching on now. The
item in question here is my
re-read of Mr. Sammler's
Planet, by Saul Bellow,
from about 1969, as I 
recall. I have any number
of books, mostly solid
fiction, that I return to now
and then, as re-reads  -  to
get a sense of my own 
being. Re-reading often 
allows a person a recall
of first reaction, and to then
balance where one is now.
I do that  -  a fairly numerous
canon of American authors,
and not. Orhan Pamuk, Fernando
Pessoa, Philip Roth, Saul Bellow,
Kanzaburo Oe, Peter Handke, 
some John Updike and some 
Salinger, to name but a few.
It's all in good taste and
always welcome : comparisons,
recollections and reminders;
if I ever met any of those guys
on the street (there are women
too, but no so much. It's harder
for me to read a woman author.
Don't know why, though I did
just read Mary Cantwell's three
memoirs, the middle one of 
which I'd already read when
she was yet alive. Now she's 
dead). And I've always treasured
'Nightwood' by Djuna Barnes, 
as nearly impossible of any
description though it is.

-
If one considers, say, 'Harvest'
as Neil Young's high point and
all his output since then as a let
down, that logic would have you
compute, probably, 'Herzog' or
'The Adventures of Augie March'
as Bellow's. Certainly 'Mr. Sammler's
Planet' has a low reputation and place
with the Bellow canon. I don't really
know why. I find it fascinating. It
seemed to catch part of the 1960's
in ways, darker perhaps, or more
discursive, than the usual runs of
Updike or Roth. And now, 55 
years later or whatever it is, it
stands as a beacon. If I were to
be writing descriptive draw-ins
for comment  I would say it
'stands fast, today, like a 
grommet.'
-
All three of the gents held fast 
to a certain form of Jewishness,
which had fist to accepted and
mentally allowed  -  that was 
oftentimes the most difficult
part, though once gotten over
it all came fairly easy; the Portnoy
perversities notwithstanding. 
Handled as they were as 1960
lit-porn  by the usual stupid 
crowd, that too needed to be
overlooked. BUT, Bellow 
was different and I always did
find substantive matter there.
After a while it was all clown
and circus prancing anyway;
the 1960' and '70's were, yes,
really that different from now.
-
There are so many entry points
to Mr. Sammler's Planet, and
they're all great : 'Shortly after
dawn, or what would have been
dawn in a normal sky, Mr. Artur
Sammler with his bushy eye took
in the books and papers of his
West Side bedroom and suspected
strongly that they were the wrong
books, the wrong papers. In a way
it did not matter much to a man
of seventy-plus, and at leisure...'
-
I guess there was little of today's
idea of 'culture appropriation
so that in those days, Jews having
already been established as the
most tough and most frank about 
sex. 'Hey, it's a roll I was born
for!' would be the response. In
any case, the times were so weird
that Bellow's setting up of the
perfect Jew versus Black thief-stud
dichotomy  -  though a bit overdone  -
probably works; but it's mixed
up as well with so many other fine
things that the woven pastiche then
comes up as a grandly knit fabric of
ideas and issues rather than merely
as a cranky diatribe of anti-black
street sentiment. The vividness, yes,
of the usual large-dick black guy
flashing it  -  though it reeked of a
certain Miles Davis like trumpeting
of the obvious, would probably not
be tolerated today; at least by any
of today's dot.com pussies anyway.
-
'For his height, he had a small face.
The combination made him conspicuous.'
That's Sammler, referring to himself, 
or his image anyway, in the mirror. Not 
the black guy  -  to whom it would be
totally displaced, by logic, to have seen
the word 'small as a referent, after the
exposure scene anyway. It's all, after
all, fairly funny. But it'' so obvious and
so leading, as to be skillful. 
-
When I first read this book I was, say,
twenty. Now this guy Sammler is exact
to my age, or younger maybe, by the
time anyone reads this. That's pretty
strange. But I can identify fully: 'He
didn't in fact appear to know his age,
or at what point of life he stood, You
could see that in his way of walking.'
-
All in all, if one thinks of the 1940's
and 1950's by contrast, this makes 
eminent sense, each of these writers.
There had been a dead, motley
formlessness to American writing, 
at that point, for near 20 years, 
and it did certainly need some 
tearing up. Thank goodness these
guys came along to do some tearing;
a re-defining of the limits of both
taste and intellect was in due order.
There had been far too much, by then
 of the treacle and the sentimentality
of putrid romances and American
situated tearjerker 'novels' of the ilk
of Keys of the Kingdom, Peyton
Place, or To Kill a Mockingbird. 
Seven Days in May. Norman Mailer,
Truman Capote, and Joseph Heller,
at the least, were ready and waiting.
Ripe, pie-bald fodder for the chewing 
gum of the American mind. Man oh
man, we all needed something.
-
When Sammler pulls that 'A wavering
morrice to the moon' line out, and
identifies it to his quizzical questioner
as having come from Milton's 'Comus,'
and meant to image-reference, in exact
wording (which he corrects) the movement
of fishes, by the billions, I believe, and
the seas themselves, performing the
dance.' [A Morris Dance. Jig. Reel.
With a hornpipe]  -  where else are
you going to find that stuff?
-
I get totally enraptured and elated by 
all this  -  and as a writer, extended 
re-readings in this manner allow for the
growth and extension of the writerly
skill, by 'seeing' how things are done,
or were doing, by 'observing' what it
was you as reader did NOT observe
last time reading through it. It's often
quite amazing but it's cumulative and
it takes a lifetime  -  years must pass
for these re-readings to gain value.
One of Bellow's tricks  -  I see only 
now  - is to over-observe everything,
and then, as well, nearly over-describe.
It's truly amazing how all that comes
to the fore and gets used as a background 
of scene and observation is then put
together and stipulated for the reader.
Quite workmanlike, and charming.
It's all edifice  -  build the correct
mis-en-scene, and anything else gets
allowed in!
-
Two last notes on this, by way of
observation: 'This had to do with
Angela's trip to Mexico. She and
Horricker had had an unhappy
Mexican holiday. In January she had 
had enough of New York and winter.
She wanted to go to Mexico, to a
hot place, she said, where she could
see something green. Then abruptly,
before he could check himself, Sammler
had said, 'Hot? Something green? A
billiard table in Hell would answer
that description.'
-
One last item, very 1960's (maybe?):
This rich kid, Wallace, had been set up
in his own law office, well-appointed,
by his father, to practice law, of which
he did none. He spent his time doing
crossword puzzles and wasting time;
locking the door, taking the phone off
the hook, lying on the leather sofa. 'That
was all. No, one thing more: he unbuttoned
the stenographer's dress and examined her
 breasts. This information came from
Angela, who had heard it from the girl,
direct. Why did the girl permit it? Maybe
she thought it would lead to marriage? 
Placing her hopes in Wallace? No sane
woman would. But the interests in the
breasts had evidently been scientific. 
Something about nipples. Like Jean
Jacques Rousseau, who became so
engrossed in the breasts of a Venetian
whore that she pushed him away and
told him to go study mathematics.'










13,386. DON'T BE SO CALLOW

DON'T BE SO CALLOW
Lucretia Mott makes apple sauce, and
I've got a really bad back. The bowling
ten-pick lethal alley will no longer see
me around. I'm going to Acapulco?
-
On the wharf, the black folk are 
throwing bales while the overseer
chews on straw. 'May he gag on his
own spit.' someone mutters.
-
From Haiti, and Jamaica, and those
far old ocean isles, anything newly
opened, these damned whites begin
fighting over who goes where.
-
Mississippi glacier port, Big Muddy
New Orleans : All those places along
the way. We work our  asses off all
day. A little happy, maybe, but no pay.
-
The Master took my Jane away.
I'll get her back someday.

 

13,385.IN OLD ELIZABETHTOWN

IN OLD ELIZABETHTOWN
The same old middle, having moved 
to the edge, now resembles a partridge
on fire, jettisoning its own body weight
to frantically try staying afloat.. The
view from one place seems as good as
another: The old iron fences that keep
out the living...keep in the dead just as
well. In old Elizabethtown, the .dollar
stores are thriving.
-
Once there was a social-club disaster:
When the balcony collapsed and all
the dancers were crushed. You'd think
an atom bomb had gone off.

Friday, January 29, 2021

13,384. RUDIMENTS , pt. 1,134

RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,134
(the anthropomorphized car)
A funny image remains : The
era was Vietnam. All these guys
going warside were giving up
their cars. The GTO on blocks,
the new Chevelle locked but
in Dad's care. Most guys had
something they left behind.
'Sis can use the Mustang, 
but only  a little.' 
-
It was different for each, of 
course; each family had its 
own way. Time enough it was
too, the girlfriend got the car
for keeping. Often enough
that turned to forever, if
Johnny didn't come home.
-
Just the same, the things about
cars that I can remember: The
spit and the polish of proper car
care. I'd see guys on Saturdays
preening, wiping and watching.
Chamois and Simonize. Every
inch of metal needed to glare
the eyes. Maybe it was all in
fun, but most often the talk 
was nearly religious, and the 
car was always 'She.' I 
sometimes wondered how 
any of that had come to mean 
anything  -  those cars and 
stories of the cars, the race 
around the bend, or the speed 
at straightaway. 'She could 
do it, I knew, and we finally 
made 110.' Sometimes I'd 
think race-horse and 'Are 
these guys kidding?'  -  a rolled 
up sleeve and a tobacco-pack 
too. How fast was logic, I'd 
wonder, and does these guys 
ever hit Mach 1? I knew the 
feeling a little, with my beat-up 
heaps; the occasional sufferance 
to speed or feat. I myself had 
rounded a bend near 90, in my
fat, old Jaguar, to  crack one
hundred when the straightaway 
came. I guessed it was all the 
same, though I knew, at the 
same time too, I was outrunning 
my brakes and just asking for 
trouble. As in, 'She's a wizened 
old hag, and soon set to blow.' 
Different strokes for different 
folks, as Sly Stone, or was it
someone else, let me in on
knowing. Everyday people,
you know? Still, I never 
clutched a car to my heart 
like these guys did. I'd seen 
enough of the heartache and 
the disappointment that can 
bring: the dead car at the 
side of the road, or the front 
end of the same, smacked 
into the ditch and the rear 
wheels up and spinning but 
on no ground. There's too 
much real heartache when 
the lovely 'she' car finally 
breaks down or hangs 
helpless like that. Better 
just to keep away from all 
those tendencies. I knew a 
guy once, in Cranford  -  he 
lived in some apartments 
that hugged the Garden State 
Parkway there. I used to think 
they were pretty fancy, kind 
of British looking, in an old 
red brick and Tudor way  -  
last I saw they looked old 
and ragged and ordinary  -  
and he had this weird, 
stupid theory about his car; 
some fancy Triumph or 
some other. His peculiar 
form of equivalency was 
to allocate to the car and 
its care exactly half the 
time's duration of running 
to do preventive and any
maintenance-care. But he 
had it all twisted into some
odd, almost religious, duty.
So, for  instance, if he was 
out for 4 hours, driving, he'd 
give the car 2 hours car-time 
afterwards. He said anyway. 
That was a peculiar version, 
I always thought, of what I 
called anthropomorphizing a 
vehicle. Tending to it as if it 
was conscious and cared; as 
if it noted these things and 
took umbrage at a slight; as 
if a missed-allotment of 
equalized car-care by half 
would be taken as an offense 
and cause 'problems' to ensue. 
The guy was obviously mad; 
engrossed in some weird 
fantasy of projected illogic. 
What always got me the 
most, the craziest, was that 
he had tons of money, so 
none of that really mattered 
and the car-care or repair 
could have come easy and 
be paid for. But, even more 
astounding, was the fact that 
this guy (he was about 5 years 
older than me, and a different 
'class' for sure) had a luscious, 
beautiful, girlfriend who was 
like sunlight and happiness, 
always. I'd think, 'Man, extend 
that care-time to her instead, 
you blazing fool!' Some guys, 
indeed!
-
I watched all this, stupidly; 
needless to say. My own 
stupidity has always taken 
the form of a passive removal. 
Taking a few steps back to 
stay out of the breach. I'd 
observe, but let others do 
the fighting or weave the 
charm. It was just my way. 
Not so much any more, but
now it little matters  -  all
those days are long-gone 
and I've lost the thread that 
connects me to things; 'inside 
the museum, infinity goes up 
on trial...voices echo, 'this is 
what Salvation must be like 
after a while...' A whole life 
like that makes things odd 
and curious, and I guess I 
just never stopped noticing.

13,383. IF THIS IS SORROW....

IF THIS IS SORROW
Being past three in the morning
though not yet four has the usual
equivalency : Of a gun going off
but with only flash to react to. The
solid wind howls back. In the higher
sky, the moon  -  much smaller than
seven hours previous  -  lightens
the ground-strewn snow. I am a
capsule of doubt in the face of all
this. Mark me down: Uncertain.
-
Shall I ever see daybreak again?
Not knowing, not even wanting
to, I guess, supplants the used
fixations of an everyday life. If
this is sorrow, see me tomorrow?

Thursday, January 28, 2021

13,382. WALKING WITH J. SWANN

 WALKING WITH J. SWANN
'They used to call this Overkill
Bridge, my father used to say  -  
that was back, I guess, oh, in 
the 1920's. Because it would 
kill a person to get over it. 
Back before cars were anyway
plentiful. Walking and a horse,
maybe, was mostly it. They had
some kind of wooden bridge they'd
put up in the 1880's. It did its job,
but they said it was tough. All gone
now though. A few pictures around,
and some sketches and drawings too.'
-
He still smoked cigarettes, the regular
kind, sometimes rolling them himself.
Always the same old dungarees or
farmer jeans, whichever you call 'em.
I was about 15 then, and he'd a' liked
to talk my ear off if I'd have let him.
I can still see him though, just closing
me eyes. He was a rough-hewn kind
of guy; always reminds me now of
Lincoln, or one of those backwoodsy
types. All that oddball wisdom and the
funny ways they say it.
-
He had some burn marks on one side
of his face, lower, down by the chin
and under the cheek area  -  said it was
some fuel can or something that lit
up in his face, blowing apart. The 
marks were from where the pail 
shards hit and lodged. I guess they
were a'fire, or hot anyway. Left the
marks. But he never cared. He'd
say 'All men got scars somewhere.'
-
One time, I remember, some guy 
asked him, said, 'Did you live here 
all your  life?' He took some offense 
to the way that was said, remarking, 
'Well, Hell, no! Not yet anyways, 
I hope!' But you could tell by his 
tone that the words had annoyed 
him. Later on, still sore, he said
to me, 'Who'd that guy think he
was, using a past tense on me
like that?' It was funny, and I
never thought of it that way.
-
There used to be a sort of joke,
about the old guys in Vermont,
with something like that; getting
the point across, about being
hard-headed and crotchety; 
about a person asking some 
farmer along the way for
directions to somewhere. The
farmer gazed out, thought about
it, rubbed his chin some, and
said....'Nope. Can't get there
from here.' Which is kind'a
funny, but I wouldn't think there
are any places, really, that you
can't get to somehow, and from
anywhere else too.

13,381. RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,133

RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,133
(Tigers, lions, wenches, and pimps)
Life's about thinking, not doing. 
Sit down. I've been reading a lot 
of science lately and am constantly 
astounded how utterly and without 
equivocation it discounts spirituality. 
When the professional types and 
the political people expound 'Follow 
the Science' (as they have been 
doing of late, much, for Covid 
cures and preventions, etc.), I 
almost already know is a bag of 
malarkey being heaved up. These 
people aren't men or women, 
they're vermin. It all sounds like 
bullshit to me. I sit around here, 
right now, thinking of how many 
Hollywood boardrooms and TV 
studios, etc., are filled with men 
and women planning how they 
can exploit the current Covid 
scene, for profit. Filling the air 
with dramatic falsities, with the 
usual Tom-Cruise-Vehicle type 
scenes and episodes of the brave 
and the faultless fighting rampant 
disease and crises, mixed with 
the usual polemics and diatribes. 
I'd wonder about those boardrooms 
too, whether the troglodytes in 
session wear masks. I doubt it. 
Why aren't they called criminals? 
Exploiters? Savagers of the social 
climate? They'll take their instructions
and promote the 'Science' the panic, 
the terror, setting everyone more on 
edge, diluting any fabric of goodness 
for the banal use of sentiment and 
drivel. There's no sense, nor any 
reason, to lies. I'd have rather 
stayed  in place, on west 17th 
street, in 1967,  with the horses 
and charcoal carts, and died right 
there. Nothing else  since that 
time has been worth much.
-
The rapid core of 'Science' 
that I see is secular and 
without redeeming social 
value. You can follow all 
the science you want and 
it will lead you only to its 
own juncture, its own dead 
end. Life  -  and disease  -  
is consciousness; first and 
foremost. Ruin that, and 
you're done. What Science 
and secular society (and 
Government) are driving 
at is to get you to that point 
where you give it all back 
to them   - leave your 
consciousness, stop your 
creative growth, and receive, 
and take, only from what 
they give you and allow 
you. Follow their Science. 
(The blind lead the blind, 
and they both fall in the hole).
-
Old New York (I use that now 
as my term) as I saw it in 1967 
was unscientific in all respects. 
Of course, I know that it wasn't 
actually that, but the perspective 
I brought to it made it so, and 
that is, at root, the cause of 
'Reality' as I've been portraying 
it anyway  -  it becomes that 
which you 'creatively' make 
of it. My friend, a guy named 
Steve Sloman, way back then 
stood at 8th Street and University 
Place one day, with myself and 
others present, and his large 
dog too, name forgotten, what 
was what he and his girlfriend 
called a 'Poolie'  -  meaning, as 
I recall, a Poodle and a Collie 
mix. No matter. Traffic was all 
tied up, it was dusky 5pm maybe, 
traffic jams, frustrated people, 
horns honking. Someone made 
comment about it, and Steve said, 
to the effect, 'Well, look at them. 
Late afternoon on  a Wednesday, 
all sick of themselves and their 
cooped-up jobs, all just wanting 
to get home. Frustrated and angry. 
Wouldn't you be honking and 
growling too?' We laughed, 
ha ha, that's right. That was the 
'other' world, the one that Science 
and poor consciousness was making.
It certainly wasn't ours, nor was it 
to be the one we'd be making. (That 
all turned out wrong for me, but 
I'm not sure how the others ever 
ended up).
-
Point being, yeah, you are what 
you dream to be. I guess  -  or 
at least you 'become' along the 
tendencies of the path you've 
selected. Those horse guys and 
all those gnarly old men I used 
to know, they had all, long before, 
hunkered themselves down into 
some silent profession of themselves 
and that alone. Saying little; doing 
less. Work kept to a minimum; the 
most simple of chores, not 'profession.' 
Pats for the horses, refilling carts, 
loading the charcoal, re-stocking 
the crap food and pretzels. Mostly 
in cigarette-silence and morose 
dangling. Life as overage, and 
nothing more. Science? Anywhere? 
I doubt it. To follow that Science 
you'd have need an anchor and a
rope. To the bottom of the harbor 
maybe. Sometime 'life' ain't all 
is cracked up to be, but then it 
again it NEVER matters whether 
it is or not. Soon enough, we're 
dead and gone and remembered 
for that moment. We're harlots, 
and stupefied slaves, and we
somehow welcome it. That's
the real Science.
-
Mark Twain lived on 10th Street. 
Washington Irving lived at (now) 
Irving Place. Walt Whitman hung 
out at Pfaff's, an underground 
beer-cellar below Broadway at 
Bleecker. Kenneth Patchen, 
oddly enough, lived at Patchin Place  
- as had Theodore Dreiser, John Reed, 
and E. E. Cummings too. They were 
all gone; the urge to live had left 
them (scientifically) and churned 
up a memory factor and a legacy 
for each. They were, however, 
still present  -  not just them 
either, but many more writers,
 male and female, whose presences 
I fed off (Or on, is it? I wonder). 
They, having imagined their own
times, influenced them, and then 
they - quite unscientifically, by 
the by, as I can l ready tell from 
your reactions - just walked away 
from all that and left us. Gaping : 
as in Agape, that proto-religious 
term now hijacked. If the world
has no wonder left for you, it's
a surely-gone world. In addition 
to them, up and 8th Street I was 
able to mingle with old those 
ridiculous old plebes  - drugged 
and drunked rockers, the lost and 
the foundering, listless and without 
shape. Every homunculos extant 
probably went past me at least 
once. Cars honked, and women
screamed. tear-stained faces, and 
those scratched and bloodied. The 
scabby and the wise. The dictatorial 
and the passive fools. Tigers, lions, 
wenches, and pimps. An unscientific 
sampling of a quite scientific mess. 
So, let Science be your guide?  -  
as the new tyrants rise and drag 
you along?  I'll stumble and stay, 
in my memories. Where I really 
rather belong. If I had to life
without the Spiritual and the
Creative within, I'd rather die.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

13,380. RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,132

RUDIMENTS, pt. 1,132
(the origin of sink)
Going back to that Uncle Boxer
guy from the previous chapter,
he represented immediately
to me another world entire.
As an 8 year old, all of this
was strange to me. I can recall
entering a room once, of a
friend of my father. He was
in the center of an open, bare 
room, as my father and I entered,
for a visit. On a pedestal in 
the center of that room, was
a small television, broadcasting,
in black and white, a baseball
game. The man had a chair,
at the the center of that room,
just one chair, up close to that
television, and he was intently
watching that baseball game.
A beer in hand, he gestured
his greeting as we entered, and
told my father to grab a beer
and see if there was any soda
for me. That's all I remember.
A blanked-out memory like that
wasn't much good for anything
except being haunted, and that's
what I got.
-
This was adult stuff? How men
lived and talked with one another?
Thinking back now, it's like any
one of those old, clunky, TV 
serials or shows  -  men in tee
shirts, a bit sweaty, strange 
spaces and rooms, going on
about or engaged in the most
simple of endeavors and nothing,
for sure, of value or consequence.
Life seemed, by those parameters,
so useless and futile, and yet it
was all I had to look forward to?
What changed all that? What
switched all these worlds?
-
By the same token, at the same
time, there was a night, along Inman
Ave., when I can remember most
all of the block turning out one
warm night to gaze skyward, almost
as one, to watch Sputnik pass
overhead. Sputnik was the first
'Soviet' spacecraft, launched by
our 'enemy' to vault the sky, to
own it, exploit it and 'control' it 
too; as if in a Twilight Zone of the
real, not just imagined, those late
1950's craned necks went sky-up in 
a most frightful manner  -  suddenly
realizing, I suppose, that all was,
or could soon be, at risk. Lost
in an abyss. Maybe that was an
instance of that flailing 'American'
strength that was, in essence, 'all
dressed up with nowhere to go.'
And there, right above my eight-year
old head, high up, was  the refutation 
of everything I'd been led to  -  that
TV in a large, open room, the funny
freedom of a baseball game, or a
boxing match, or a game show, or
any of  10 'Westerns' showing the
exploitation and triumph we'd once
'had' over others. All down the tubes.
As shallow as a foot bath. Us useless
as a 'screen door on a submarine.'
-
The Soviets, in their space quest, had
already sacrificed various animals;
a sore subject for which I'd not yet
forgiven them; and now this. They'd
lost dogs and monkeys on space-flight
tests. Re-entry and splashdowns that
amounted to nothing but death when
the capsule doors were opened. To
my little knowledge, we had at least
not done that. Some oddball American
dignity? Not really. Some strange
reference for life? No, I could not
sense that either. I always wondered,
really, what it was, if truly we'd not
sacrificed animals in that same quest.
High, high, overhead, the lights went
blinking by. They 'told' us what it
was, so we imagined it was true.
-
That street was never the same after
that. It seemed, from that day, more
silent, more morose. It got more frumpy.
Whatever momentary lapse that one
Sputnik had brought out showed a
dangerous side to American life: 'We'
didn't necessarily get to be first. That
was a myth, just then beginning to fall
apart. Yes, we did get to the moon,
eventually, first, but that was, by that
time, already sullied  -  assassinations,
cranky ground-wars, intrusions, race
riots, cities on fire. They all showed 
that, beneath our national core, we 
were as unsteady  and as beleaguered 
as anywhere else. Anyone, by that
measure, could have a Disneyland
of their own in their own backyard.
Anaheim was open to all! But, under it
all, Dad's hand still shook at poolside,
chugging on that beer and dragging
on that cigarette; and Mama's doily
apron always seemed unsteady at
the kitchen stove and sink. Sink?
I wonder where they got that name?