Monday, November 7, 2016

8824. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, Pt. 230

230. BLUE FOREVER
As a youngster, there are
many phrases heard that
perplex. I didn't always
know precisely what 
people were speaking 
of. One day, in the
hallway of School 5, 
probably first grade 
for me, when bending
over to get a drink of 
water from the kid's 
fountain, there was 
very little water 
pressure, The little 
splurt of water hardly 
cleared the spray nozzle 
piece it flowed up from. 
I said something
about it, and Mr. 
Cigatura, the janitor 
I've mentioned, just 
chuckled, and said , 
'Oh, Blue Monday, I
guess.' I honestly had 
no clue what he meant. 
I asked, saying
perhaps, 'what?'  -  
or  -  'I don't understand.'
He replied, in order to 
clear it for me, something 
of the nature that the 
phrase 'Blue Monday' 
(1956, anyway), meant
that, 'being Monday, the 
water-pressure was low 
everywhere because all 
the housewives were at 
home doing the laundry, 
all at once, and it drew 
down the water-pressure 
everywhere; and it was
'Blue' because it was
considered a dreary 
chore that no one 
really wished to be 
doing.' That was all 
very odd to me. I took
it at face value, yes, 
but it kind of hung in 
my mind anyway. A 
'blue' Monday, because
of doing the wash. A 
chore. What a strange 
world, and how odd 
that people get themselves
all jumbled up into these 
situations. It was also a
revelation of sorts, in 
that as a kid who ever 
wonders about where
the water comes from? 
Who ever would have 
figured that a bunch of
people, doing the same 
things at the same time, 
could affect water
pressure? How odd, 
all that. By this I was 
stumbled frontward 
into another weird 
world. Mothers, and 
water, and laundry.
-
School 5 was new then, 
probably three years in.
It was a long, single level,
job, as schools were then;
all looked the same. Now,
if they're still around, 
they're usually outmoded, 
or considered wasteful. 
One or two, in fact,
I've seen 're-purposed' 
and rebuilt, after being 
closed and sold, into
seniors housing projects 
and uses of that nature. 
probably just as useless, 
but with better water 
pressure on Mondays.
Adjoining it was School 4,
which used to serve all  -  a
large, multi-floored, older,
1910-styled school. Still 
standing too, and in use.
I guess one day Mr. 
Cigatura had one school
building to take care of,
and the the next day, two.
I wondered how that 
went down. It's funny,
but on that corner where
the new school was built,
and across from it too, 
where there was a 
newly-constructed
hardware and lumber
store, there seemed 
no memory of the past.
I always figured school
was about the past  -  
all that history and 
lessons and the learning
that came from things.
This must have all, until
recently, been scrap woods,
or some cruddy excess 
weedy land, or whatever.
Yet, there was no one 
ever around who
remembered a thing 
of it. Everyone acted 
as if it all had always
been that way. I knew it
hadn't, and I was just a
silly kid. Why wasn't there
anyone around who could 
own up to any of this and 
speak up for the past and for
all that gone away or been
taken away. I thought, especially
in a school situation, there
should always have been
someone kept on, someone 
always around, who could
talk for the past  -  the real
past, like what's right outside
the window past. Not that
stupid King Arthur stuff, or
Mesopotamia or the crusades
or any of that crap. That was,
to me, just all illusion and
stage-set. The real world, 
right over there, beckoned. 
What had it all been? And 
who had done all this to it? 
And why? Those were kid 
questions, of the sort I had.
But I never had anyone to 
talk to, really. That's the stuff
kids want to know though,
that's the real world that
slaps you up. And that 
ignorance is how the 
same sorts of things 
recur, continue to happen 
under new and better 
regimes, until the whole 
place is messed up and 
spoiled for everyone else. 
While some shell-game
mongrels get to run off 
to the bank with yet some
more filthy lucre, stolen 
from the commonweal for
parking lots, buildings 
and pavement and roads.
It never ends. Blue forever.


8823. I'VE HEARD

I'VE HEARD
The target of the whippoorwill
is the meadow recently left.
If that is true, I know no sense,
as I pine for everyplace, myself,
just as well, that I have ever been.
Oh whippoorwill, whippoorwill,
what have you seen?

8822. OUT WITH SOLON

OUT WITH SOLON
My being out with Solon takes
me so far from all this. There
are no longer the usual means
to the endings. No bliss. We seek
other things, it seems, together.
Like this: the old signboard on 
the new wall, the world around us 
no longer fits. Everything out
of place. Solon knows;
and he tells me this.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

8821. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, Pt. 229

229. JANITOR
All that it ever comes down
to is satisfaction, I guess.
Old Mr. Cigatura, in 1955
and a few years later, the
janitor of our elementary
school, he always seemed
satisfied. Never talked
much, to us kids anyway.
He just went about his
pretty-much pre-ordained
tasks, every day, one after
the other. He had a 1951,
or maybe a '53,  Plymouth
station wagon, light grey.
Whatever it was, they were
plain and drab and boxy
cars, with a most-simple
rear taillight that just
seemed added-on, a
design afterthought, as
if they'd said, at the last
moment, 'uh-oh, we're
supposed to have a taillight.'
I always loved that car,
its boxy functional and
compact yet functional
form. Like Mr. Cigatura
too, just a quiet and serious
task-doer. Mr Cigatura
lived up Avenel Street,
before Route One and the
firehouse at the corner.
It was a simple, tall, white
cement house. Back then too,
the firehouse was a simple
but tough-looking structure,
with a monument  -  a giant,
old, fire-alarm clanger out
front, basically an I-Beam that
had been made into a circle
and hung; firemen used to
clang it with a hammer, to
ring for fires. Raw and
utilitarian, again. That's
all different now  -  the
fire-corner now is like 
an overbuilt, tax-fed
bloat, more like a social
club for fire-dudes, and 
Mr. Cigatura's house, 
after a massive remodel 
and rebuild, looks like
any drug-addict's stucco
version of the Taj Majal.
But, in Avenel, both of
those things go on the 
books as 'progress.'
-
I never took 'satisfaction'
from that stuff. I never
like 'improvements. I 
always detested 'progress'. 
I think there are a lot of
flaws and problems in 
the fabric of the day, and
they just get worse as
people continue harping
on the idea that they have
the 'solutions.' The 
solutions are 'stop doing 
what you're doing, fool.' 
But it goes on. You see,
the simplicity factor of
a complete life is what's 
missing now. When Mr.
Cigatura finally did retire,
maybe in my 4th grade,
maybe 5th, all of us kids,
the entire school's worth, 
were arrayed in the rear 
yard, all brought out there
in his honor. Every kid had
been collecting pennies  -  
yes, pennies  -  for months
to be gathered and handed
over to him, in sacks, at
his little retirement 
ceremony. Back then,
the school had been 
heated by coal, and Mr.
Cigatura spent lots of
his time tending the coal
furnace/boilers in the
basement of School 4, and
cleaning out and dumping 
the ashes too, used for a
'pavement' then  -  no
macadam no tar. The hard 
ashes settled in and were 
pressed in by the cars, and
became a perfect surface.
It was on the very same
surface that we handed 
off to him what seemed
to me to be ten billion
dollars worth of pennies.
I was awestruck, and he
seemed truly humbled,
just a quiet, tough, 
grand old man getting
his good due. 
-
I thought about him 
for years, just always
remembering him and
the observation I'd made
about him. For years, I 
had to doubt : had I 
made him up, did I 
figmentize this person,
seeming so authentic 
and strong and vital 
to a little boy? It was
only years later, and not
that far back either, that
I actually stumbled upon
a proof of his presence. 
In the town of Woodbridge,
perhaps 2 miles from 
my home now, there's 
a walkway/park along
one of the town-center 
streams. Heard's Brook,
or something, I think it's
called. Nothing really,
basically already rudely
affronted by the town,
it runs out to go under 
Route Nine and the 
piddling monstrosity
that is 'Woodbridge 
Center', a ghetto mall 
of sorts around here;
where the clay pits used
to be. (Another story, for
another day). Along the
walkway at Heard's Brook,
there are about 20 historic
site plaques, on nice 
pedestals, about the 
sights and the varied
histories of greater 
Woodbridge. At just 
about the last one, 
way down by Rt. 9, 
there's a plaque 
illustrating a
meeting or a dinner 
or something, an old
photograph reproduced 
well, of all the Woodbridge
School District janitors,
assembled. There, in
black and white, and 
with his name in the 
list of attendees,
is Mr. Cigatura!
Amazing.


Saturday, November 5, 2016

8820. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, Pt. 228

228. TIMELINE
I made mention previous
of the different sorts of
'time' I've encountered.
When I was first born, all
things were timeless; time
doesn't exist  -  except maybe
for feeding time, crying time,
and the rest. Then, getting a
few years, in Bayonne, I
can sort of remember 'time'
setting in  -  a curious feeling
of things as they move along:
the fat, old black cars, the
ladies in heels and black
stockings and odd hats.
The tugboats and cargo
ships 'timing' their progress
along the Kill Van Kull
waterway. All was work,
and mostly I began to see
time as work. Then, as we
moved to Avenel  -  an
entire, and entirely new,
place, it was as if time
started up again for me,
with some other, newer
pace : woods and fields,
the railroad tracks, the
prison-farm cornfields
and tractors and animals.
The trains may have run
on strict timetables, but
I did not. As a kid, all
things were free and
easy, wide and open.
Then, of course, school
enters, and brings with it
its own form of time and
the constraints that go
with it  -  much like
work time. After that,
the 'smother' of life takes
over and a person generally
just gets lost in all of that
and all that goes along with
it. Duty. Detail. The good
thing about Avenel
anyway, in the 1950's,
was that I could still get
away from all that 'time,'
and in spite of school and
church and home. All
those screws slowly
turning never really
effected our local
and neighborhood
'kid' time. We lived a
life as if none of that
mattered. Which, I
thought, was the reason
God made woods and
streams and fields and
rivers. For kids to be able
to beat-out time with. As
I grew, of course, ten
different versions of me
had to learn to deal with
ten different versions of
time. I think that happens
to everyone along the way.
And then it stops. It stops
as the individual reaches
a completion and sort of
shuts down at that point.
Considered complete,
finished, matured, closed.
All that 'model citizen'
stuff again. It's hard,
like a crust or shell,
and it sets on and
gets harder.
-
I look at my dog, by
comparison, sometimes.
and consider the living
of life this way. She seems
under no constraints. She
awakes, pretty much by
the schedule she selects,
and the same for eating
and going. No 'stressful'
demand of that time  - no
expectation, no box or
stricture; just the dog's
own way of freedom
that comes with human
ownership and tending.
(Of course, in her own
way, as well, she's totally
dependent)...She thinks
nothing of interrupting
time, stopping it, for a
scratch, or a long sniff
at something in passing,
or a stop to do her
business, slow and 
dainty, and the licking 
and preening afterward.
I often think, the perfect
life. Should Mankind have
a run at things in that way,
how different would this
life be?
-
Then I say, is that even worth 
question? The life of this
 here 'Humankind' bears no
real relation to any animal
 life, pet or not, that I can
make, upon examination.
We do what we do because of
a different mental make-up, 
entire. I know that Science
may dispute this; but my 
real-life senses seem to tell me 
differently and they tell me
my hunch is correct. We are,
somehow, set out on a different 
course. Measurers. Makers of
bricks. The lines and angles of
Engineering and building and
constructing. That demands
a setting-to -it paradigm that
'makes' things, designs and
forms, proves the dilemmas
not equal to the ease of
solution. Human Solution.
Man, the Maker.
Homo, Faber.




Friday, November 4, 2016

8819. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, Pt. 227

227. MODEL CITIZENS
Back whenever, when the
first astronauts and all that,
John Glenn and the others,
began the Mercury 7 flight
program, one of their silly
watchwords was 'A-OK'.
That  -  meaning of course  -
all is good, running smoothly,
top form. It lasted maybe
three years, but for a while
everyone used that phrase.
I was in about sixth grade
when all that began  -  never
liking what I heard. Hated
that one. The same way
I never had any use for
'model citizen.' That was
another that really irked
me. Some vote-of-confidence
phrase about a common,
mischievous, like-everyone-
else, creep. 'He's a fine,
upstanding citizen.' As soon
as you hear that one, by the
way, take off for the hills,
You're about to be reamed.
That was about 1960, when
most everyone else, regular
people, in the country
still had those grand
opinions of civic things.
People running for office,
at any level, back then
were just assumed to be
perfect. That was before
all the usual shit starting
hitting  -  secret perks and
perverts, CIA murders and
FBI lies. It was fairly for
the average, everyday Joe,
to think nothing bad at all
about his government and
its people  -  they made
secular saints out of most
of them. Right up there with
movie stars, Clark Gable,
John Wayne, and James
Stewart. Most politicians
could get away with
anything. Not that they
don't now either, but.
The heck with all that.
What I was saying 
was, if you begin 
hearing about any fine, 
upstanding model
citizen being A-OK,
just remember, the penal
colonies of our great land
are mostly populated by
'model citizens.'
-
So that was my ten cent 
civics lesson for now. It
won't mean much past that.
Like the Pope today : he's 
taking it upon himself now,
I read today, to 'add' to the
beatitudes. Add to them!
Can you believe that? One 
of the new ones is like 
'blessed is the person who
concerns their self with
caring for the environment
and preserving our planet.'
That's just one, of four.
Their so lame and politically
bullshit correct that this Pope
person can't even say 'He'
like in the old beatitudes.
'Blessed is he who....'
Such malarkey. Such
malarkey everywhere.
And people still fall 
for  this. More likely 
it should be 'Blessed 
is the person who keeps 
their remote clean
and prevents it from 
getting lost in the couch 
while their fat ass sits 
upon it watching sports.' 
Now that would
be something.
-
You see, my 'education' 
as a little kid  -  the basic, 
rudimentary stuff that 
everyone gets  -  was
more, and still is, like 
indoctrination than it
was any form of real 
'knowledge.' That's
what grade school did
to me. Made me a 
jaundiced cynic; can
that be? Maybe I mean
a jaded cynic. In any case,
I got the cynic part right. 
I noticed things like that
the most  -  as in last night's
chapter  -  on things like 
that bus trip back down 
to the seminary. Everyone 
was cocooned and safely 
personal in their own space. 
The gentle lull of a bus trip.
That's the way it all should 
be, but never is. The idea 
and the point of the 'social' 
education, in the guise of 
'knowledge' and learning, 
that we go through in
those first 6 or 8 years 
of mandatory school is 
meant to ruin all that by
forcing us to believe that
our blabby lives should be
concerned with others and 
all those fake concerns 
which that brings : all the
niceties and falsities of
things like holidays, 
birthdays, 'wondrous' 
events, faith and hope 
in others and all that. I
was never much of a 
punk or an evil-doer, 
don't get  me wrong, 
but I really never put
much credence into
any of what I was 
taught. It was all a 
streamlined means 
of acclimatizing me 
towards an acceptable
level of cooperative 
social-interaction. 
Yeah, like Vietnam.
A fine, model citizen
doing his A-OK best
to promote the human
race. A hell of a lot
of teaching needed 
for that. I think back
now and an only wonder, 
of those other people 
on that quiet bus in old
1964  -  who of them
knew, or had any inkling, 
of what was coming down?
Who lived past their own
comfortable, stable and
warm circle of events?
In a few short years it all
would be so changed over
as to be unrecognizable by
any of them, model citizen
or not.

8818. THAT'S WHY I AM HERE

THAT'S WHY I AM HERE
When the roads get shiny, I admire
the shine. When the sky stays dark,
I say 'How nice.' Not much to
complain about here. I have this
skin that I live in, and it's OK;
No big deal and I certainly can't 
brag. Old home week in the 
doggy-pound. More like that.
-
There's a guy painting box cars:
He's got a huge paint sprayer,
throwing black on two big
cars  -  on the rails they sit.
The paint compressor hums.
I can tell it means business.
'That's why I am here,' I
can hear it say. 
-
Spray away I say.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

8817. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW, Pt. 226

226. LIGHTS
I always kept composure, though
it wasn't always easy. Sometimes
people or things really bugged me.
And then, other times, things just
took me away. I remember one
year, from the seminary  -  I guess
it was 1963, I had taken a bus to
go home for Thanksgiving. After
Thanksgiving, the next day, my
father and my uncle drove me to
the New Brunswick train station,
which had a bus depot back then
attached to the rear of it. I felt a
little out of sorts the whole time
I was home anyway, and the next
day's ride to the bus station was
just annoying. They both went
on about something, though I
really forget what it was. They
were talking family stuff, and it
seemed hurtful to me, being,
as I was, away from all that
and, at that very moment, being
driven yet again, to something
more that would remove me,
in this case, a bus, to take me
away. More distance, and
more sadness, for me. And  -
come to think of it  -  it could
not have been  1963, because
that was the Kennedy assassination
just a few day's before, and I
know I wasn't there for that,
nor would they have been
talking about anything else,
as they were. That year's
Thanksgiving everyone was
sad and all eyes were glued
to TV. It was like a weird,
communal mourning. So,
maybe it was 1964 then.
No matter, I got on the
bus eventually, and just
let it ride me away. In a
complete silence, then
anyway, of the kind once
unique to buses, and
trains too, for that matter
: the darkened interiors,
the only light maybe being
the little spot-lights for
reading; if someone was
using them. All that plush
and padded seating, the
silent rows of people. It
was special, or at least it
was separated from real
life enough to make it
seem special.
-
In its slow and almost 
tedious way, this bus made 
its few other stops  - I 
recall picking up another
schoolmate, somewhere
along the way, perhaps,
down there. Anyway,
in time the bus began 
passing through each of 
those small and incidental 
southern NJ towns  -  I
can't recall the order: 
Burlington, Mount Laurel,
Runnemede, Maple Shade,
Berlin, etc, right down
to Blackwood. Where, of
course I got out and we 
were picked up by car 
for the ride back to the 
seminary, from town.
Even if it was a 'religious'
school all this special
attention given always
seemed pretty exclusive, 
and 'ritzy,' to use one of
my other's words. 
-
No matter, my point here
is the enchantment of the 
trip, how I did love it. It
seems weird now, thinking
in retrospect, but what took 
me so far off, and made me
so enchanted, feel so distant
and other-worldly, was that
as we drove these little towns,
they each already had hung
those lighted wreaths and 
simple town decorations of
the season. In fact, in one of
them, the work crew, as I
watched, was still at the task.
The basket truck, the ladders,
 the very simple wires strung
across the road. Hard to
explain, I suppose, and
nothing like today's 
preponderance of all
that municipal holiday 
overkill. This seemed 
more quiet, and genuine, 
and real.




8816. HOW I HOLD

HOW I HOLD
Not only to foretell the future, no,
but to see  -  just as well  -  the past.
That's how I hold my arms and eyes. 
In the rain, misty, white, I see the
coal train below me roll by. Like
a distant liege, something soft
and pure from another long day.